its been quite some time since i last chat with high school friends...
if u r here visiting my blog today...
or some other day in future..
how are you today?
how's life?
ok ma?
miss me, then only come to see my blog le?
this has been about a month since stp friends leave malacca and went to other places to study... some in kl.. some in singapore and overseas...
i will be always in malacca.. that is what i say and i tell myself everytime i thought of you all.. hehe
this is a convenient place.. one might say.. for us all came from here.. this is our hometown.. where would we go for holidays.. if not here./? even if not for friends.. also will come back to see parents and relatives..
last night. chat-ted online with a friend.. currently in singapore.. she went there about a month ago ba.. though before last month.. almost.. most of the night.. i will be online chatting with her while watching my dramas.. hehe..
because of her.. my nights are not boring.. coz i noe there is always someone there online at the same late night and htough everyone is asleep.. i still can see someone is online here.. hehe...
today as usual.. on my way back from the japanese class.. i viewed on the dark sky..
same like yesterday.. today got no moon...
few days ago.. the moon seemed to be unclear.. maybe coz of the clouds ba...
but today.. i wonder if u alll got come out of apartments and look at the sky?
there is no moon today.. i wonder if it is the stars that has binded the light of the moon.. or the moon was from unclear to invisible tonight...
haha. maybe can't c the moon tonight.. i am lonely again...
however, there are a lot of stars tonight.. really a lot.. its so beautiful.. stars are shining brightly.. its like whole sky is piece of dark paper but with shiny darkness.. blinking... some more shining stars.. some smaller.. but made clear of its appearance..
there is also an aeroplan acrossing the sky.. as though telling me.. not to be fooled that i might think stars are moving that fast.. ehhe
thoough there is no moon tonight...
though i have not seen you for a month...
i hope we will reunite again someday in future.. and by that day comes by, lets' see the moon once again...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
these few days.. i have been thinking the same thing over and over again.. i guess.. maybe i should just pour out everything in my mind.. and my heart to you..
hiahz.. everytime whenever i wanna write something.. i will get tired and have no idea how to say wad i wanna say.. but i guess maybe i should give this a try..
haihz.. why life is always full with problems and .. better way to explain it.. obstacles? waves of oceans.. emn.. thunder? since small.. though i am not leading life like a beggar or grow up in an orphanage,, well.. i am at least a bit better than that.. emn.. or even a little better than those kids who not able to study and worked since small to support 9 or 12 younger siblings and a sick mother or parents.. but my condition is a little similar to them.. since small.. well.. till now also the same.. i am alone.. as predicted.. only child.. emn.. people keep thinking that only child is very lucky.. i will think soo too.. if i am not the only child.. but.. in my condition.. i think i cannot compare myself to other .. better only-child-in-family.. born in a family that father is a .. emn.. used to be a really normal worker with only about 1000+ a month to be spent.. and with a housewife mother who keep nagging me all the time.. of course first problem came to me is lack of money and finance.. my condition is not of the standard of the average person's finance range.. wad normal people used to spend.. i gotta cut half from theirs./. em,, had so much things i wanna have,, hoped to have,, but in the end.. it remained as hopes.. all these made me be mature at the age at around 9 years old.. hiahz// at that time i thought a lot of wild thoughts too.. running away from home.. get more money by working.. but in the end.. all these remains as thought only.. emn.. not sure whether its coz of i have no courage to run away or even maybe i am afraid of being alone out there and the risks of having danger or get involve with bad peoples... hiahz.. and another one more reason that me myself is afraid and embarrassed to admit it.. afraid of living without money.. that time i like to compare myself with the other friends... but in the end i got even more hurt than before.. haihz..
is money really that important than anything else.. since small.. with parents fighting with each other for money.. this really makes me think that money is almost the everything in life.. well.. for at least till about a year ago..
last year.. when i got a report that i am having d**b**** ... hiahz.. its inheritance.. hiahz.. i never inherit money from parents but inherit disease from parents.. living in a poor condition and that time even got a disease at a young age,, hiahz.. that time really.. often consider myself as .. pathetic at that time.. its pretty hard for me to accept that fact.. i am not fat.. though i am not that normal looking like anyone else.. emn.. ok la.. some considered me to be fat.. but at least i am near to average.. i've seen a lot of plp who is really fat.. fatter than i am.. but then they are still healthy.. and .. happily.. every time at least when i saw them eating.. happy and satisfaction in enjoying their foods..
hiahz.. since small.. i loved food.. there was once.. i joked around that if one day malacca happen to have war or earthquake or// for now.. evn tsunami.. my last wish before i die .. is to eat all i can.. wahhaa.. even the thought of it .. also makes me happy..
hiahz.. at that time kinda suffering loh.. gotta keep myself away from my usual eating habit.. follow doctor's advise.. but the reading is still not good.. haihz.. from that on.. doctors asked me to take medicine.. and also sometimes injections.. now kinda relieved not accepted to study science coz previously.. everyone was like so into stuyding science and medicine... but that's all for these few months.. i have been working hard and fighting this disease ... with support from myself.. friends and family.. and i prayed hard myself too.. i always thought to myself.. lets not eat all these... and wait till the day when i die... aaah.. by that time i will eat all i want.. till the second i am going to leave,,, haha... well.. but sometimes.. i still cannot get hold of myself and sneaked a bit to satisfy myself but regretted after it.. hiahz.. life is getting harder for me.. i thought
with my condition.. which is hard enough for me to live well llike normal person and then my mom is sick,, she is having diabetes,, heard from my aunts.. that when she was having me.. coz of hormone differences.. she had diabetes,.. but normally pregnant women who got diabetes during pregnancy often recovers from D after giving birth.. but she didnt.. so.. she had it... till now..
she ate all the medications given by doctor.. emn.. i think she ate about near 20 years already.. its same as my age.. haihz..
as we all know.. all hospital's medicines have side effects if taken for a long period.. till few months ago... mom's eyes and kidney starts to have problems.. we went to a lot of places seeking for treatment for her.. the process is hard .. i must say.. but i thought to myself.. if i take medicine for that long.. how long can i live? mom is now 50.. had D for 20 years.. but me that time.. only 18.. plus another 20 is 48 .. and then i will have problems... that near death at that time? so from that on only i have decided that i must not continue to take the medicine.. the side effects is far more horrible than anyone can thought of.. if for me to compare... the effect of D's is not much if compared to effects of the medicine of D itself.. the problem with this D is not to have much burden for the pancreas to digest the foods and not to keep much fat from surrounding the organs in our body more than the normal amounts we need...
though all people around me.. and even that doctor prevented me not to stop medication... but i still stick to my mind.. in order to prove to everyone that i can do it.. i must do well.. and live well..
hiahz.. but thats a few months.. ago./.
my next blood test is on 4th February.. i can remember horrible dates well.. so from now.. i am working hard for my health.. and i will do everything to make sure of that.. i even did folding stars.. heard plp say that if we did 1000 stars.. one wish will be granted.. prayed hard everyday.. and exercise well.. eat less.. hopefully i can walk out of this asap.. clean and clear
last week.. another health problem occurs.. haihz.. not me.. not my mom.. only one more left right.. my dad.. few years ago.. he also had a problem with his health.. he got heart problem.. its coz of working too hard.. previously when he was in a biscuit company.. he worked hard.. pulling and carrying boxes of biscuits around.. hiahz.. hard-earned money.. like a labour's work there.. haihz.. but last week doctor told that he need to have an operation.. to throw away a stone in his body;... hiahz.. operation is in march.. everyone's worry for him.. its inheritance.. hiahz.. my great grandfather,, grandfather.. also died coz of this cancer... doctor say gotta do that operation to take out the stone to see if its a cancerous one or not.. haihz,,, too much troubles for our family yea...
how i wonder why my life with other friends is different.. most of my friends' father though was quite poor like me before.. but after few years.. their condition got better and they are richer now.. haihz.. but me?
father is penchant now.. and all 3 of us got involved in deadly disease.. or i should say better.. incurable disease? haiz=hz.. its a condition from worst to more more worse-erst,,,
wondered if anything far worse that will happen to me in the future..
my near friends praised me for having the courage and stand up and defend myself no matter how hard is the situation i am handling now.. are these obstacles really moulding me to be a better and more successful person in the future/? well.. i have no idea about it,,,
all these years.. and the now me.. is also having the same ambition and thought.. as i always wanted to have,, a simple and happy life.
haihsz.. since i cannot have that in peace.. can i have simple and happy life in despite of these problems i am having now? make the best out of what i have,,,
emn.. after pouring everything out to you.. really makes me feel better,,,
for my health.. i am 84% that i can go through it without any medicine.. anyhow,, i still feel the strong will inside of me.. to live well... to live well till the day i die.. emn.. if i die in a battle war i would rather be more satisfy rather than die coz of D,, or of the implications of the D.. blind or kidney failure.. i must not die coz of sickness,, well.. i have not done any good myself.. but at least i must die honorably right? .. hehe,,
emn.. about my another problem.. money.. haihz.. can i do anything to change it? nope.. ob-sub-mee-dah.. haihz.. so i guess.. since my father still have some savings.. and i have my education loan.. i hope i can survive my needs and pleasures.. and after my graduation.. i hope to earn enough money.. for myself.. haihz.. this thought though had been circulatin in my mind for years already,, and mind is telling me.. hye girl!! i am super bored enough with this story already.. nothing else better to share with me?? haha.. but anyhow,, since i cannot do anything else other than thiss.. but for now.. i am feeling really better.. maybe next time when i am feeling down and sad.. i can come here and write another blog again? till i get better and have the energy to continue fighting!!
and thanksz a lot for myy friends who is right here reading my blog.. i know i am kinda weird at times.. but these is really wad i think.. since small.. kinda rebellious and wild thoughts right? i must admit that i am not a good daughter.. all these while when i was lying to them whenever i go out with my friends.. i really like the company with my friends,, but at a same time i am feeling guilty,, i dunt like to lie.. i can keep secrets.. but its hard for me to tell wad is not the truth.. so.. my only way to lie is to make myself think that wad i am going to lie is a truth.. another word is to lie myself before lying them.. haihs..
thanksz a lot to my friends... i really have a lot of things i wanna do with them,,, going yoga together.. movies.. amusement parks.. singing karaoke.. going for buffets.. going for a holiday..
but.. i can't now.. not only coz of my health. but also i have no ability to do that too... and since now that whole family is living with disease.. and when i voiced out my thought of going to yoga.. parents told me that our savings is not enough to even survive.. since now that my mom have to go to JB.. a private Beijing doctor.. to treat her kidney... kinda expensive.. about 200 a week.. but anyhow.. if that can make her health better.. i also hope that her health can get better too...
haihz.. wonder if its a process one must go through in life?
its my habit since last year.. when i got D.. whenever i feel sad.. i will put myself to watch drama.. emn.. how if.. find one day when i am free.. i write my review and thoughts for each drama i watched? emn.. kinda remembrance and appreciation for each drama in curing my depression..
k la.. thanksz a lot yea.. take care and tata... jaa
hiahz.. everytime whenever i wanna write something.. i will get tired and have no idea how to say wad i wanna say.. but i guess maybe i should give this a try..
haihz.. why life is always full with problems and .. better way to explain it.. obstacles? waves of oceans.. emn.. thunder? since small.. though i am not leading life like a beggar or grow up in an orphanage,, well.. i am at least a bit better than that.. emn.. or even a little better than those kids who not able to study and worked since small to support 9 or 12 younger siblings and a sick mother or parents.. but my condition is a little similar to them.. since small.. well.. till now also the same.. i am alone.. as predicted.. only child.. emn.. people keep thinking that only child is very lucky.. i will think soo too.. if i am not the only child.. but.. in my condition.. i think i cannot compare myself to other .. better only-child-in-family.. born in a family that father is a .. emn.. used to be a really normal worker with only about 1000+ a month to be spent.. and with a housewife mother who keep nagging me all the time.. of course first problem came to me is lack of money and finance.. my condition is not of the standard of the average person's finance range.. wad normal people used to spend.. i gotta cut half from theirs./. em,, had so much things i wanna have,, hoped to have,, but in the end.. it remained as hopes.. all these made me be mature at the age at around 9 years old.. hiahz// at that time i thought a lot of wild thoughts too.. running away from home.. get more money by working.. but in the end.. all these remains as thought only.. emn.. not sure whether its coz of i have no courage to run away or even maybe i am afraid of being alone out there and the risks of having danger or get involve with bad peoples... hiahz.. and another one more reason that me myself is afraid and embarrassed to admit it.. afraid of living without money.. that time i like to compare myself with the other friends... but in the end i got even more hurt than before.. haihz..
is money really that important than anything else.. since small.. with parents fighting with each other for money.. this really makes me think that money is almost the everything in life.. well.. for at least till about a year ago..
last year.. when i got a report that i am having d**b**** ... hiahz.. its inheritance.. hiahz.. i never inherit money from parents but inherit disease from parents.. living in a poor condition and that time even got a disease at a young age,, hiahz.. that time really.. often consider myself as .. pathetic at that time.. its pretty hard for me to accept that fact.. i am not fat.. though i am not that normal looking like anyone else.. emn.. ok la.. some considered me to be fat.. but at least i am near to average.. i've seen a lot of plp who is really fat.. fatter than i am.. but then they are still healthy.. and .. happily.. every time at least when i saw them eating.. happy and satisfaction in enjoying their foods..
hiahz.. since small.. i loved food.. there was once.. i joked around that if one day malacca happen to have war or earthquake or// for now.. evn tsunami.. my last wish before i die .. is to eat all i can.. wahhaa.. even the thought of it .. also makes me happy..
hiahz.. at that time kinda suffering loh.. gotta keep myself away from my usual eating habit.. follow doctor's advise.. but the reading is still not good.. haihz.. from that on.. doctors asked me to take medicine.. and also sometimes injections.. now kinda relieved not accepted to study science coz previously.. everyone was like so into stuyding science and medicine... but that's all for these few months.. i have been working hard and fighting this disease ... with support from myself.. friends and family.. and i prayed hard myself too.. i always thought to myself.. lets not eat all these... and wait till the day when i die... aaah.. by that time i will eat all i want.. till the second i am going to leave,,, haha... well.. but sometimes.. i still cannot get hold of myself and sneaked a bit to satisfy myself but regretted after it.. hiahz.. life is getting harder for me.. i thought
with my condition.. which is hard enough for me to live well llike normal person and then my mom is sick,, she is having diabetes,, heard from my aunts.. that when she was having me.. coz of hormone differences.. she had diabetes,.. but normally pregnant women who got diabetes during pregnancy often recovers from D after giving birth.. but she didnt.. so.. she had it... till now..
she ate all the medications given by doctor.. emn.. i think she ate about near 20 years already.. its same as my age.. haihz..
as we all know.. all hospital's medicines have side effects if taken for a long period.. till few months ago... mom's eyes and kidney starts to have problems.. we went to a lot of places seeking for treatment for her.. the process is hard .. i must say.. but i thought to myself.. if i take medicine for that long.. how long can i live? mom is now 50.. had D for 20 years.. but me that time.. only 18.. plus another 20 is 48 .. and then i will have problems... that near death at that time? so from that on only i have decided that i must not continue to take the medicine.. the side effects is far more horrible than anyone can thought of.. if for me to compare... the effect of D's is not much if compared to effects of the medicine of D itself.. the problem with this D is not to have much burden for the pancreas to digest the foods and not to keep much fat from surrounding the organs in our body more than the normal amounts we need...
though all people around me.. and even that doctor prevented me not to stop medication... but i still stick to my mind.. in order to prove to everyone that i can do it.. i must do well.. and live well..
hiahz.. but thats a few months.. ago./.
my next blood test is on 4th February.. i can remember horrible dates well.. so from now.. i am working hard for my health.. and i will do everything to make sure of that.. i even did folding stars.. heard plp say that if we did 1000 stars.. one wish will be granted.. prayed hard everyday.. and exercise well.. eat less.. hopefully i can walk out of this asap.. clean and clear
last week.. another health problem occurs.. haihz.. not me.. not my mom.. only one more left right.. my dad.. few years ago.. he also had a problem with his health.. he got heart problem.. its coz of working too hard.. previously when he was in a biscuit company.. he worked hard.. pulling and carrying boxes of biscuits around.. hiahz.. hard-earned money.. like a labour's work there.. haihz.. but last week doctor told that he need to have an operation.. to throw away a stone in his body;... hiahz.. operation is in march.. everyone's worry for him.. its inheritance.. hiahz.. my great grandfather,, grandfather.. also died coz of this cancer... doctor say gotta do that operation to take out the stone to see if its a cancerous one or not.. haihz,,, too much troubles for our family yea...
how i wonder why my life with other friends is different.. most of my friends' father though was quite poor like me before.. but after few years.. their condition got better and they are richer now.. haihz.. but me?
father is penchant now.. and all 3 of us got involved in deadly disease.. or i should say better.. incurable disease? haiz=hz.. its a condition from worst to more more worse-erst,,,
wondered if anything far worse that will happen to me in the future..
my near friends praised me for having the courage and stand up and defend myself no matter how hard is the situation i am handling now.. are these obstacles really moulding me to be a better and more successful person in the future/? well.. i have no idea about it,,,
all these years.. and the now me.. is also having the same ambition and thought.. as i always wanted to have,, a simple and happy life.
haihsz.. since i cannot have that in peace.. can i have simple and happy life in despite of these problems i am having now? make the best out of what i have,,,
emn.. after pouring everything out to you.. really makes me feel better,,,
for my health.. i am 84% that i can go through it without any medicine.. anyhow,, i still feel the strong will inside of me.. to live well... to live well till the day i die.. emn.. if i die in a battle war i would rather be more satisfy rather than die coz of D,, or of the implications of the D.. blind or kidney failure.. i must not die coz of sickness,, well.. i have not done any good myself.. but at least i must die honorably right? .. hehe,,
emn.. about my another problem.. money.. haihz.. can i do anything to change it? nope.. ob-sub-mee-dah.. haihz.. so i guess.. since my father still have some savings.. and i have my education loan.. i hope i can survive my needs and pleasures.. and after my graduation.. i hope to earn enough money.. for myself.. haihz.. this thought though had been circulatin in my mind for years already,, and mind is telling me.. hye girl!! i am super bored enough with this story already.. nothing else better to share with me?? haha.. but anyhow,, since i cannot do anything else other than thiss.. but for now.. i am feeling really better.. maybe next time when i am feeling down and sad.. i can come here and write another blog again? till i get better and have the energy to continue fighting!!
and thanksz a lot for myy friends who is right here reading my blog.. i know i am kinda weird at times.. but these is really wad i think.. since small.. kinda rebellious and wild thoughts right? i must admit that i am not a good daughter.. all these while when i was lying to them whenever i go out with my friends.. i really like the company with my friends,, but at a same time i am feeling guilty,, i dunt like to lie.. i can keep secrets.. but its hard for me to tell wad is not the truth.. so.. my only way to lie is to make myself think that wad i am going to lie is a truth.. another word is to lie myself before lying them.. haihs..
thanksz a lot to my friends... i really have a lot of things i wanna do with them,,, going yoga together.. movies.. amusement parks.. singing karaoke.. going for buffets.. going for a holiday..
but.. i can't now.. not only coz of my health. but also i have no ability to do that too... and since now that whole family is living with disease.. and when i voiced out my thought of going to yoga.. parents told me that our savings is not enough to even survive.. since now that my mom have to go to JB.. a private Beijing doctor.. to treat her kidney... kinda expensive.. about 200 a week.. but anyhow.. if that can make her health better.. i also hope that her health can get better too...
haihz.. wonder if its a process one must go through in life?
its my habit since last year.. when i got D.. whenever i feel sad.. i will put myself to watch drama.. emn.. how if.. find one day when i am free.. i write my review and thoughts for each drama i watched? emn.. kinda remembrance and appreciation for each drama in curing my depression..
k la.. thanksz a lot yea.. take care and tata... jaa
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