alone = left-outter

i have lots of nonsense and i hope not much people will have notice on my blog here.. anyway.. to protect of my safety and privacy... i decided not to put my name here and the parties that might have involved here... i should say sorry to this blog as i delayed quite a time after i created this account as i need to prepare for my mid-term exam.. but then in the end.. haihz.. i made up lots of reason for me to study but then in the end also din study much de.. of course.. as anyone might have think of.. results very... bad~~ em.. i still dunno of the results yet la.. but then since i dunno how to do the exam... i can agak dah.. the results sure not so good de lo.. what can do? prepare for finals lo.. and dai kat lai si... perhaps supp too... hopefully i dun have to do supp lo... who would like it.. for heaven's sake?

now.. its time for me to tell what i wanted to say for months ago... not say months ago la.. few months ago lo.. i was kinda terkilan.. i was wondering if it was just a dilemma or a dream or.. is it true? i wondered for long... but.. even if this is a dream.. there will be a day where i have to be awake and move on/// soon .. few days ago.. only i dared myself to realise that this is the reality.. the truth which yet to be realised.. now.. i felt like.. how.. and why.. how one person can change tremendously? its really unbelieveable.. i can't.. just can't believe it myself.. after my secondary school.. i left the school with much hope towards the future.. hoping that i can cope with my uni life and happy ever after with my new gang of friends... and i wouldn't having to be alone in class coz if that happpens.. i might be better off if i continued on with my sixth form with all my best friends since primary and also secondary good friends.. isn't it?

on my first trimester.. i was pretty happy and i felt so blessed and i thanked god for giving me the chance of studying in here... what more else whould be better than this? i asked.. anyway.. good times never last.. but troubles.. problems... did last.. in my last semester i made friends with a gang of friends.. i am not active in the group as i am not so fluent in chinese as they were as i am from english school whereas they were from purely chinese school... most of what they have said..(i was.. very blurr about it) but anyway.. i din take much care about that as i know that they shouldn't be listing me out of their list.. however,, things are different now.. very different.. but i have to stay and stick with them.. i have no more choices left.. u see? if i chose to left them.. who else will be with me in the class? romours for sure will spread.. nevertheless.. i wil be alone... alone in physically and mentally in class.. after all.. i have not reach that state anymore.. but if one day i might think otherwise as if i were alone again.. would be better off than pretending to be terkepit with them.. but actually no one cares about me no more..

never in my life i have felt so left-out.. no words can describe about this feeling of mine.. really.. ssince primary two i have my best friend.. then this continues till form 5.. whereby in form 5 i made another wider group of friends.. these friends i made.. we knew wach other for years.. and we were pretty good to each other.. anyway.. life is tremendously and totally different now.. i feel so much alone and left-out.. i know that i still have my very best friend.. since secondary friends.. but i wouldn't be able to speak to them everyday.. nor to see them every week... i really miss my friends vry much.. life in my cool and wet uni.. really making me jerks when i was supposed to go to my class.. i rather skip my class nowadays... really dun feel like going there anymore..

i still can't believe it.. and i was wishing for every second.. they will turn back to their attitude like last sem... but i know they can't.. nobody can.. either,, i dare not ask them if i had done something wrong or i have make them feel annoying.. what have i done when i didn't say anything at all.. i did say soemthing.. morning greeting.. just they were so cool.. most of the time.. nobody really cares if i had say something.. even sometimes they have the mood to answer my silly questions.. they make that type of jerk-looking face to me.. a lot of people say i am very good and kind.. and therefore i am easy-being-bullied type.. is this what i got after i treated them with the best i could?i did offer my help.. and trying to be kind to everybody.. but just no one sees it.. are they using this advantage of mine? showing me all kinds of temper.. i am a human.. not a stuff or an animal.. to be thrown like this.. i respect them.. and i hope to gain some respects too.. i might look very dull and stupid at times.. but please,, god knows what are you been thinking of and what have i suffered these weeks..

i can feel that sometimes they did look down at me.. is it i am a little bit of blurr.. they can't really blame me for looking childish or being blurr.. who call them to be so *clever*... at all those irrelevant stuff? in the coming presentation.. i had expected what will be happening.. no one trust my ability and i dun think they know if i have any ability at all.. they just gave me behind-the-scene jobs.. well.. if they think they are so great and so.. smart and they dun need my help.. go on.. i shall see what they can do.. as if they neglected of my presence..

so.. now.. as what i can do is.. praying hard that one day i might have the courage to fly away from them.. and mix with better gang.. but,, there will be romours.. i dare say.. anyway.. i still having hopes for them to change their attitude towards me.. hoping we will get back to our old-self.. and realise more of my presence.. right now.. all i could do is.. back to being more of my-self and gain back my self-esteem and my dignity.. protect it.. not to let it being harmed anymore.. maybe i should follow them too.. being cool and cold..

if u asked me if i dare to ask the question why they had neglected me? nope.. not b'coz i not dare to.. its b'coz even if i asked the question.. u think they will tell me the truth? and why must i follow what they want me to follow them about.. they are not the majority.. only ther 3 of them.. the 3 chinese-edu girls.. even if so-that happens.. they shall boycott me from that on.. and what if i hadn't found a new group?and if even i had changed myself following their expectation,, will they be satisfy? am i willing to do so?is it worth it?.. i don't know.. never had the courage to even discover it.. let time decide what i gonna do later..

i faced the same problem few years ago.. and i asked her the question.. and i changed.. anyway.. i am not seeing her anymore.. she is in form 6 and maybe somewhere in the future.. but of course we did contacted each other.. but we were once good friends.. same case like her.. except that happens years after our warm friendship..

looks like right now.. all i can do is hope that they were busy b'coz of the chinese language society group de activities... they sometimes seems to get so excited with it.. i can feel that they like to discuss within the members of the society.. and what can i do?smiling as though i know lots of stuff about it.. just so damn foolish and very fake.. really have nothing to say about this anymore.. i wonder if the moon had move to another dimension of the earth or the sun wasn't that bright anymore..

and i hope.. after the activities ended.... after next chnese new year in february.. things will get well soon.. lets pray for that day to happen~~~~